and the follow-up!

superb journalism there, Globe writers.

Steps for Preventing Shaken Baby Syndrome:

1. DON'T SHAKE YOUR FUCKING BABY.

shaken, not stirred.

this story is pretty fucked. according to the Boston Globe, the number of "shaken baby syndrome" cases has increased over the past few months. the culprit? wait for it...

...you got it, it's the economy!

okay. seriously? what exactly are these parents doing? holding the kid up and going 'DAMMIT, YOU LITTLE BASTARD! WHY CAN'T YOU BE A SACK OF TWENTIES??!!'


yes. OKAY. we get it. we're in a recession. but how much ridiculous, unacceptable human behavior is going to be blamed on this fact in the meantime?

BREAKING NEWS! earlier this morning, a garage full of human skulls was been found at the home of this local business owner! upon investigation, our news team discovered that this man had, in fact, been luring employees to his home with the promise of liquor, barbeque, and charades! instead, he had set up a makeshift gas chamber in his two-car garage, and was stashing their bodies in a crawlspace! it is understood that it was his intent to build a new workforce out of their skeletons! a statement from the man's lawyer quotes him as saying "my new staff could work for free! I just can't afford to pay my employees anymore! WE'RE IN A RECESSION!!!"