ways to reconnect with my muse...

...that don’t actually involve writing.


1. hire a P.I. to find her exact whereabouts, then follow her home from work, knock her kneecaps out with a baseball bat and stuff her in my trunk

2. stare at blank Microsoft Word document for hours until eyes tear up and brain threatens to evacuate (NOT RECOMMENDED)

3. read work done by other people, realize I am a million times more talented, feel smug

4. go on psychedelic drug trip, disappear in the urban jungle for a few days, come back with a fresh spiritual perspective and sense of self-righteousness

5. have nervous breakdown and run screaming into the nuthouse; enjoy a highly medicated vacation

6. drive loved ones to nervous breakdown through excessive whining and self-pity

7. fake death, flee country (and debt)

8. strike self upon head repeatedly with classic works of literature (paperback versions only)

9. fall asleep with books on writing instruction under pillow, hope for absorption of knowledge through osmosis

10. accept the fact that maybe I’m not meant to be a writer, consider alternate methods of artistic expression (interpretive dance, experimental noise bands, suicide, etc.)