Childhood anxieties

Okay, that last post was, perhaps, a little too honest for you and I at this stage in our relationship, so I'm going to lighten the mood a little with an amusing walk down memory lane. I call this one "Clues from Amy's childhood that indicated quite strongly that she was going to be a neurotic spaz in adulthood."

Around the age of, let's say, 7 or 8 or so, I developed this sense that inanimate objects had feelings. Now, I realize that most kids develop attachments to their toys, stuffed animals, what have you. Little Amy, however, took this a few steps beyond what is healthy.

I think it began with Spyri.

Perhaps it was because I was an only child with few companions, and had learned to create imaginary friends very early on in childhood. At any rate, there was a period of time that I always needed to carry a little "friend" around with me, most everywhere I went.

Spyri was just one of my many "friends": a little spiral seashell that I had glued little googly eyes to, and to which I had developed a preternatural attachment. One day, choked with the gut-wrenching loneliness that can only be felt by dorky children, I decided that Spyri was going to accompany me to school.

That day, the inevitable happened: I lost Spyri. I realized it in the cafeteria, just as lunch period was ending. Believing Spyri to actually be a living friend, one who I loved dearly, I pitched a complete hissy fit in front of everyone (why the other kids didn't like me was completely unfathomable), leading to the school janitor digging through both giant trash cans filled with milk and government-issued cheese and such.

Spyri was not found.

I was so distraught that my mom had to come pick me up from school early. We went grocery shopping. I remember very distinctly that when Pearl Jam's "Daughter" came on the radio, I had to fight the tears back. The line, "the picture kept will remind me" made me remember that Spyri was gone, and all I had left was this shitty little picture I drew of her in art class. (THIS IS WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED)

From that point on, I was extra special careful never to let my extra special friends out of my sight. Including the time I took a dorky Mario doll to an all-girl sleepover, but that's neither here nor there.

And then there was the Frosted Flakes incident.

My mom and I were in Market Basket one Saturday morning, doing the week's grocery shopping. We always drove either 20-30 minutes out of our way, to Haverhill or Rowley, to go to the Market Basket for groceries. The joys of growing up poor!

Right. So there we were, in the cereal aisle, at my favorite part of the trip: getting to pick out a delicious breakfast treat. I had my heart set on Fruity Pebbles. Goddammit, I loved Fruity Fucking Pebbles. Didn't matter that they got all soggy and gross after about 20 seconds in milk, but even that artificially-colored sugar slime was like taking a bite out of heaven itself.

My mom was also looking at cereals. "Hey, how about some Frosted Flakes?" she suggested to me.

"Frosted Flakes??!!" I replied. No fucking way I was going to eat Frosted Fucks. It was a one-way train to Pebble-Town that day. I grabbed the box and threw it into the cart with glee.

Later on in the shopping adventure, however, I started to think about that incident. And, honest to fucking god, I thought that I had hurt the Frosted Flakes' feelings by rebuffing them the way I did. So what did I do? I took my coveted Fruity Pebbles back to the cereal aisle, put them on the shelf, and grabbed a big-ass box of Frosted Flakes.

Seeing Tony The Tiger's face still kind of fills me with guilt. No wonder I'm such a mess.

Why I am opting out of the holidays this year.

I know that there doesn't need to be a lengthy, verbose Statement of Purpose made on this subject. I know that those of you who know what's happened can most likely understand why I would be making this decision, and those of you who don't could easily be soothed with the old "I'm broke as shit this year, here's your dollar store Holiday Card and a bag of festively colored Hershey's Kisses", but this year, here is my gift to you:

The God-Honest, Gut-Wrenching Truth.

Historically, I have had a love-hate relationship with this time of year. You see, my Day of Birth just so happens to fall on Christmas Day, and if you can't see how that would make me Fucking Hate Christmas time, picture this: EVERYBODY gets presents on YOUR birthday. If you still can't see it, congratulations, you are not a self-absorbed egomaniac.

However, in the past few years (read: since I left college and moved out of my parents' house), the holidays began to form a new, special significance for me. Now, truth be told, I did always enjoy the giving gifts/listening to holiday music/specific seasonal cheer aspects of Christmastime, however trite and put-upon they began to seem as I went kicking and screaming into adulthood. But once I began to really emerge into adulthood, holiday time became something more - one of the few times a year I got to see my family, and just be with them. Corny as it may seem, the past few Christmases have left me with this overwhelming sense of happiness and gratitude for my family.

Now. Imagine that feeling. Imagine the love you have for your own family. Imagine them, however large or small, as you've always known them - together, for better or worse, gathering and celebrating (or drinking heavily in order to tolerate, potato po-tah-toe) whatever holiday that is yours to celebrate.

Imagine all of a sudden that one of them is missing. Suddenly, without warning, a member of your family is gone. Imagine that your family is a small one, like mine. Imagine what it would be like to have one person no longer be a part of your family; their presence has vanished.

Imagine what the holidays would be like then. Without that one person that has always been there, as far back as you can remember, acting as the glue that holds your whole family together.

Would you want to celebrate?

No, dear friends, this year I don't even want to see the colors red and green. I feel like setting fire to every Christmas Fucking Tree I see, want to push over all the Salvation Army bell-ringers, steal their bells and run screaming into the crowd. Just hearing the opening notes of "Silent Night" makes me want to burst into hysterical sobs. If I run into Santa, God help him, I'm going to blacken both of his eyes, break his legs, free the reindeer, and expose the whole damn thing as the scam that it is.

Hyperbole, okay, maybe a bit. I'd only blacken ONE of Santa's eyes, and maybe just twist his ankle a little.

But in all seriousness, this year, Scrooge though I may seem, I just can't get into the spirit. So please, dear friends, understand why I don't want to come to your parties, why I don't want you to give me any gifts, why I can't muster any cheer. When my brother died, so did a part of me, and it's going to take me some time to make peace with that, and find a way to experience and enjoy life's simplicities again.


My birthday, on the other hand, is going to come whether I like it or not. (Not.) So if you want to do your bit of Holiday Charity, come sit by me...and please bring booze.

"Okay Amy, I'm going to need you to take some deep breaths now."

Greetings, interweb! Well, this officially marks my first blog post since The Awful Thing(s) happened to me back in April, causing my entire life to be flipped upside down and leaving me to try setting it right-side up again, armed with nothing but a rusty shovel and a thimble (metaphors!). But, more about that in another post, for another day. Today I'm going to try to get the writing ball rolling again with some rambling about interesting (I think), slightly less tragic things that have happened to me lately.

Yesterday, for example, I had to go to the hospital for surgery. Some back story: I have had, um, lady problems, for what seems like a few years now. After going from doctor to doctor and being told "oh, no, all of your excessive bleeding is perfectly normal for a young, childless woman," I finally went to a doctor who said "well, let's just check and see, just in case." Several specialty visits and mild-to-moderately-invasive procedures later, it was determined the cause of all my suffering was due to uterine polyps. Delightful!

At any rate, my GYN scheduled a trip to the OR to scrape the little jerks out of me. It just so happens that the procedure for removing polyps is the same procedure for removing, uh, other unwanted tissue out of one's womb. (At one point during pre-op, the Ginger leaned over and commented, "Do you think everyone thinks you're here for an abortion?" to which I punched him in the arm, and then thought about it for a second. They probably did, and were probably disturbed by how much we were laughing.)

Now, I just so happen to fucking hate fucking hospitals. I've had enough traumatic trips to them for about several lifetimes. But there I am, dressed in a sexy little johnny, wearing those sexy little brown slippers, lying in the bed while they pump fluids into me and drain other fluids out. I now know what a lab rat must feel like - in the weeks leading up to and including my procedure I had been poked and prodded just about everywhere, had given what seems like pints of blood, and had peed in about 15 different sterile cups (seriously, what is it with GYNs and pregnancy testing?). But I just lay there and smiled as nurses smacked at my veins, laughed at their awkward jokes, tried not to shit my pants.

Luckily for me, I was accompanied by my two favorite people - my Mom, and the Ginger, as I mentioned earlier. So, in addition to all of the above stresses, I also had to restrain myself from knocking both of their heads together as they felt the need to join forces and poke fun at me like a super-strength Sarcasm Monster. Sweet fucking support network, but I guess you reap what you sow. So which came first, the jackass seed or the wiseass plant?

Finally, after what seemed like a week - mind you, when you are scheduled for anesthesia, you are not allowed to eat or drink anything until after the procedure, and holy goddamn if the smells drifting up from the hospital cafeteria didn't smell like a delectable feast of the Gods to me - my GYN showed, and it was time to rock and roll.


The anesthesiologist came over to my bed and said "Okay, now I'm going to give you something to help you relax," and injected something into the IV line. "It will start working almost immediately." "That sounds goo...oop," I replied, as he wasn't fucking kidding, that shit hit me like a ton of fuzzy, warm, kitten-bricks. So there I was, floating on a magic glitter-cloud, surrounded by shimmering unicorns, when they wheeled me into the incredibly bright, incredibly cold OR. As the sweet nurses piled blankets on me, other people stuck sensors onto my skin, hooked me up to machines, lay my arms out on little platforms, tugged me this way and that. I felt like ET when he was in that creepy plastic tunnel place.

Then, the Giver of Drugs appeared, and stuck a white, plastic mask over my face and instructed me to take a few deep breaths. But in all honesty, I was too fascinated by all the shit I was being hooked up to. Were they going to transform me into a cyborg? What does THAT machine do? Coooool.


"Okay Amy, I'm going to need you to take some deep breaths now."


Ugh. Okay, fine. In, out. Iiiiin, out. In...


And when I opened my eyes again, I was lying in a completely different part of the hospital, feeling like someone had taken a frying pan to my skull and a serrated-edge ice cream scoop to my abdomen. As I struggled to open my eyes, my struggling alerted the attention of yet another sweet nurse, who delivered more Wonderful Drugs ("But it still huuurrrtts," I insisted after the first injection) and some wonderful ginger ale, and unhooked me from all of the machines and returned my clothes and let me keep the hospital slippers (my Nana used to be a nurse, so she would give new pairs to me all the time as a kid, and those fuckers are comfy).


Once I managed to get out of the bed, ever-so-grudgingly, and managed to get my clothes on, and managed to plop down in a wheelchair, a kind orderly wheeled me down to the hospital lobby, where my Fan Club waited, and both looked so damn happy to see me. (I'm lucky, I know.) Then the Ginger drove me home, where naps and snacks and TV awaited.


So here I am, still loopy from the anesthesia 24 hours later, or is that all the caffeine I mainlined today in order to make up for my deprivation yesterday? At any rate, that's the story of Amy's first Real Surgery.



And here is a shitty MS-Paint version of what used to live inside of me:

Best of Boston!

(thx to Allie for the tip)

remembering forgotten holiday joy.

heading home a little earlier this evening, I was walking up my street, lost in the pleasures of crappy pop tunes via ipoop, when something on the sidewalk made me stop in my tracks. it looked like someone had spilled a bunch of paint, and it was still wet. upon further inspection, I realized what it was.

someone had painted EASTER BUNNY FEET on the sidewalk.

curious, I looked around to see if there were more. sure enough, the next set led up the sidewalk...

up the stairs...

across the street...

...and into the garden.

after photographing this final set, I realized I was across the street, standing in my neighbor's garden like a creep. some kid is going to wake up in the morning and absolutely flip his shit over this. but, I got to discover it first, and probably enjoyed it just as much as he's going to.

happy easter, slutttts.

I got no motivation/where is my motivation?

Forgive me for being a cliche of my entire generation, but today feels exactly like I'm trapped inside Green Day's "Longview."

srsly, do you remember this video? 

So, Monday. One of my days off this week. Such an awkward day to have off, but I fell asleep last night determined to make the most of it.

I had my alarm set for 9 a.m. so I could start the day by doing some yoga or something instead of immediately funneling coffee into my face. But, of course, I woke up before that because I had to pee and my roommates with real jobs were crashing around the apartment, getting ready. 

As I zombie-walked back to bed after my pee, I knew that I should probably just get up. Just get up, Amy, it will be so great to be so productive early on, then you can spend the rest of the day writing!

But I could hear the rain outside, see the gray skies. Each raindrop taunted me, "Fuck you, there's no way you're going to make a diamond out of this coal pile of a day. Go back to bed, asshole."

So I did, hitting the snooze button until 11:15. Honestly, who sleeps until 11:15 on a Monday?

Grudgingly, the day began. I funneled coffee directly into my face. Items were crossed off my to-do list at a snail's pace. 

I left the house for an hour, bravely braving the elements, but only due to obligation. I bought toilet paper.

Now here I sit, in my bathrobe, sipping on cold coffee from the morning and thinking, "Okay. I should probably write something." So, I'm attempting to read the news blogs that I subscribe to solely so I can tell myself "Hey, at least you subscribe to news blogs!" I'm trying to get some material for a good, solid blog post of my own. But my eyes are glazing over, the words are blurring, I'm thinking about what I should eat. I look at 15 Lolcats instead.

And now I'm blogging about my day where I did nothing of any use to anyone. Just for the sake of saying "Yeah, well, I blogged today," when we all know that bloggers aren't even real writers. I'm trying to bang out some words on the screen before I go meet up with Ginger and then the two of us will combine our powers of laziness and procrastination and spend the rest of the evening trying to beat Time Trials on Mario Kart Wii.

I mean, it's a day off. It's not that bad. If my teenage self could see me, at adulthood, wasting time so gloriously, she would be psyched and automatically put in a little less effort in her classes, knowing this is how she was going to end up anyway. 

I made a JPEG. I can't even copy and paste in Paint properly. What am I doing with my life.

my aging, crumbling body.

today, the mere act of standing up - after having been sitting for about an hour, sending resume after resume to temp agencies, in The Job Search That Will Never End - caused a ligament in my knee to go FUCK YOU and send me tumbling onto the floor.

as I was lying there, the prevalent thought in my head was merely, "well, here we go."

I've gotten used to random pains and malfunctions. this isn't a statement meant to garner sympathy, it's just the truth. I've been cursed with a moody gut, allergies to both inside and outside things, a weaker immune system than most, and in recent years, an affliction that seems to be carpal tunnel but just can't decide which wrist it would rather hang out in.

and I've accepted all of this. my body doesn't work as well as others, that's just how I was made. so, I make it a point to carry Tums, Claritin, immune-strengthening vitamins, and painkillers everywhere I go.


but the Knee Thing. there's only one explanation for it, and that's this: it's been overused. and, since I'm not a marathon runner or any other Legit Athlete, the overuse can only stem from the fact that I've been using it for 26 years. (or that I spend too much time on my knees, go ahead, just get it out of your system so I can continue.)

and I believe that this is just how it's going to be, as part of getting older. I've known people who cross the threshold into their thirties, whose aches and pains require regular chiropractor visits, or even surgery. backs, knees, necks, all these wads of bones and strings and muscly bits...they're not made to last forever.


but I'm prepared. in fact, I'm certain that the older I get, the more legit my complaining will get, about aches and pains, and hell, just about everything else. I'm completely justified in freaking out on just about every birthday following my 30th. and sometimes, in my darkest, most twisted moments, I think about how awesome it might be to be an old lady. that way, I'll finally have grown into my salty disposition.


in the meantime, I should probably start cane shopping...

"get the hell off my lawn."

adorable things done by boys: pun intended.

this afternoon, I was sitting outside of the cafe where I am an indentured servant day in & out, with my boyfriend and a few co-workers. one of my co-workers was enjoying a delicious iced mocha, and when my boyfriend got up to throw some trash away, he pointed at her beverage and said, "livin' la vida mocha!"

now. being of the gratingly sarcastic disposition - so much so that people rarely take me seriously because they can't actually tell when I'm being serious - I tend to snub anything light-hearted and corny. usually, when anybody makes a lame joke, I have to bite my tongue to keep from inadvertently whining, "Moooom, you're embarassing me."

yet, for some reason, when the sweet, dorktarded object of my affection delivers a clever pun with a big stupid grin, I can't get enough. seriously. I laugh my fucking ass off. not only do I find it hilarious, but it transcends mortifying and becomes downright adorable.


it's always been so interesting to me, the things we put up with when we're smitten with someone. how sometimes things you've always written off as unacceptable in another person become tolerable, even delightful, in the right person.

of course, we'll always give them shit for liking "just one" song by Korn, or knowing most of the names of the Pokemon, or playing electronic music incessantly, even first thing in the morning. but deep down, we find it cute as hell.

except for the Korn part. dude, that's never going to be okay.