I got no motivation/where is my motivation?

Forgive me for being a cliche of my entire generation, but today feels exactly like I'm trapped inside Green Day's "Longview."

srsly, do you remember this video? 

So, Monday. One of my days off this week. Such an awkward day to have off, but I fell asleep last night determined to make the most of it.

I had my alarm set for 9 a.m. so I could start the day by doing some yoga or something instead of immediately funneling coffee into my face. But, of course, I woke up before that because I had to pee and my roommates with real jobs were crashing around the apartment, getting ready. 

As I zombie-walked back to bed after my pee, I knew that I should probably just get up. Just get up, Amy, it will be so great to be so productive early on, then you can spend the rest of the day writing!

But I could hear the rain outside, see the gray skies. Each raindrop taunted me, "Fuck you, there's no way you're going to make a diamond out of this coal pile of a day. Go back to bed, asshole."

So I did, hitting the snooze button until 11:15. Honestly, who sleeps until 11:15 on a Monday?

Grudgingly, the day began. I funneled coffee directly into my face. Items were crossed off my to-do list at a snail's pace. 

I left the house for an hour, bravely braving the elements, but only due to obligation. I bought toilet paper.

Now here I sit, in my bathrobe, sipping on cold coffee from the morning and thinking, "Okay. I should probably write something." So, I'm attempting to read the news blogs that I subscribe to solely so I can tell myself "Hey, at least you subscribe to news blogs!" I'm trying to get some material for a good, solid blog post of my own. But my eyes are glazing over, the words are blurring, I'm thinking about what I should eat. I look at 15 Lolcats instead.

And now I'm blogging about my day where I did nothing of any use to anyone. Just for the sake of saying "Yeah, well, I blogged today," when we all know that bloggers aren't even real writers. I'm trying to bang out some words on the screen before I go meet up with Ginger and then the two of us will combine our powers of laziness and procrastination and spend the rest of the evening trying to beat Time Trials on Mario Kart Wii.

I mean, it's a day off. It's not that bad. If my teenage self could see me, at adulthood, wasting time so gloriously, she would be psyched and automatically put in a little less effort in her classes, knowing this is how she was going to end up anyway. 

I made a JPEG. I can't even copy and paste in Paint properly. What am I doing with my life.

my aging, crumbling body.

today, the mere act of standing up - after having been sitting for about an hour, sending resume after resume to temp agencies, in The Job Search That Will Never End - caused a ligament in my knee to go FUCK YOU and send me tumbling onto the floor.

as I was lying there, the prevalent thought in my head was merely, "well, here we go."

I've gotten used to random pains and malfunctions. this isn't a statement meant to garner sympathy, it's just the truth. I've been cursed with a moody gut, allergies to both inside and outside things, a weaker immune system than most, and in recent years, an affliction that seems to be carpal tunnel but just can't decide which wrist it would rather hang out in.

and I've accepted all of this. my body doesn't work as well as others, that's just how I was made. so, I make it a point to carry Tums, Claritin, immune-strengthening vitamins, and painkillers everywhere I go.


but the Knee Thing. there's only one explanation for it, and that's this: it's been overused. and, since I'm not a marathon runner or any other Legit Athlete, the overuse can only stem from the fact that I've been using it for 26 years. (or that I spend too much time on my knees, go ahead, just get it out of your system so I can continue.)

and I believe that this is just how it's going to be, as part of getting older. I've known people who cross the threshold into their thirties, whose aches and pains require regular chiropractor visits, or even surgery. backs, knees, necks, all these wads of bones and strings and muscly bits...they're not made to last forever.


but I'm prepared. in fact, I'm certain that the older I get, the more legit my complaining will get, about aches and pains, and hell, just about everything else. I'm completely justified in freaking out on just about every birthday following my 30th. and sometimes, in my darkest, most twisted moments, I think about how awesome it might be to be an old lady. that way, I'll finally have grown into my salty disposition.


in the meantime, I should probably start cane shopping...

"get the hell off my lawn."

adorable things done by boys: pun intended.

this afternoon, I was sitting outside of the cafe where I am an indentured servant day in & out, with my boyfriend and a few co-workers. one of my co-workers was enjoying a delicious iced mocha, and when my boyfriend got up to throw some trash away, he pointed at her beverage and said, "livin' la vida mocha!"

now. being of the gratingly sarcastic disposition - so much so that people rarely take me seriously because they can't actually tell when I'm being serious - I tend to snub anything light-hearted and corny. usually, when anybody makes a lame joke, I have to bite my tongue to keep from inadvertently whining, "Moooom, you're embarassing me."

yet, for some reason, when the sweet, dorktarded object of my affection delivers a clever pun with a big stupid grin, I can't get enough. seriously. I laugh my fucking ass off. not only do I find it hilarious, but it transcends mortifying and becomes downright adorable.


it's always been so interesting to me, the things we put up with when we're smitten with someone. how sometimes things you've always written off as unacceptable in another person become tolerable, even delightful, in the right person.

of course, we'll always give them shit for liking "just one" song by Korn, or knowing most of the names of the Pokemon, or playing electronic music incessantly, even first thing in the morning. but deep down, we find it cute as hell.

except for the Korn part. dude, that's never going to be okay.