Why I am opting out of the holidays this year.

I know that there doesn't need to be a lengthy, verbose Statement of Purpose made on this subject. I know that those of you who know what's happened can most likely understand why I would be making this decision, and those of you who don't could easily be soothed with the old "I'm broke as shit this year, here's your dollar store Holiday Card and a bag of festively colored Hershey's Kisses", but this year, here is my gift to you:

The God-Honest, Gut-Wrenching Truth.

Historically, I have had a love-hate relationship with this time of year. You see, my Day of Birth just so happens to fall on Christmas Day, and if you can't see how that would make me Fucking Hate Christmas time, picture this: EVERYBODY gets presents on YOUR birthday. If you still can't see it, congratulations, you are not a self-absorbed egomaniac.

However, in the past few years (read: since I left college and moved out of my parents' house), the holidays began to form a new, special significance for me. Now, truth be told, I did always enjoy the giving gifts/listening to holiday music/specific seasonal cheer aspects of Christmastime, however trite and put-upon they began to seem as I went kicking and screaming into adulthood. But once I began to really emerge into adulthood, holiday time became something more - one of the few times a year I got to see my family, and just be with them. Corny as it may seem, the past few Christmases have left me with this overwhelming sense of happiness and gratitude for my family.

Now. Imagine that feeling. Imagine the love you have for your own family. Imagine them, however large or small, as you've always known them - together, for better or worse, gathering and celebrating (or drinking heavily in order to tolerate, potato po-tah-toe) whatever holiday that is yours to celebrate.

Imagine all of a sudden that one of them is missing. Suddenly, without warning, a member of your family is gone. Imagine that your family is a small one, like mine. Imagine what it would be like to have one person no longer be a part of your family; their presence has vanished.

Imagine what the holidays would be like then. Without that one person that has always been there, as far back as you can remember, acting as the glue that holds your whole family together.

Would you want to celebrate?

No, dear friends, this year I don't even want to see the colors red and green. I feel like setting fire to every Christmas Fucking Tree I see, want to push over all the Salvation Army bell-ringers, steal their bells and run screaming into the crowd. Just hearing the opening notes of "Silent Night" makes me want to burst into hysterical sobs. If I run into Santa, God help him, I'm going to blacken both of his eyes, break his legs, free the reindeer, and expose the whole damn thing as the scam that it is.

Hyperbole, okay, maybe a bit. I'd only blacken ONE of Santa's eyes, and maybe just twist his ankle a little.

But in all seriousness, this year, Scrooge though I may seem, I just can't get into the spirit. So please, dear friends, understand why I don't want to come to your parties, why I don't want you to give me any gifts, why I can't muster any cheer. When my brother died, so did a part of me, and it's going to take me some time to make peace with that, and find a way to experience and enjoy life's simplicities again.


My birthday, on the other hand, is going to come whether I like it or not. (Not.) So if you want to do your bit of Holiday Charity, come sit by me...and please bring booze.