adorable things done by boys: pun intended.

this afternoon, I was sitting outside of the cafe where I am an indentured servant day in & out, with my boyfriend and a few co-workers. one of my co-workers was enjoying a delicious iced mocha, and when my boyfriend got up to throw some trash away, he pointed at her beverage and said, "livin' la vida mocha!"

now. being of the gratingly sarcastic disposition - so much so that people rarely take me seriously because they can't actually tell when I'm being serious - I tend to snub anything light-hearted and corny. usually, when anybody makes a lame joke, I have to bite my tongue to keep from inadvertently whining, "Moooom, you're embarassing me."

yet, for some reason, when the sweet, dorktarded object of my affection delivers a clever pun with a big stupid grin, I can't get enough. seriously. I laugh my fucking ass off. not only do I find it hilarious, but it transcends mortifying and becomes downright adorable.


it's always been so interesting to me, the things we put up with when we're smitten with someone. how sometimes things you've always written off as unacceptable in another person become tolerable, even delightful, in the right person.

of course, we'll always give them shit for liking "just one" song by Korn, or knowing most of the names of the Pokemon, or playing electronic music incessantly, even first thing in the morning. but deep down, we find it cute as hell.

except for the Korn part. dude, that's never going to be okay.

grammer rool's!!11

I go on the record saying that nothing makes me wetter in my ladyparts than some proper spelling and grammar. I own two grammar manuals, a copy of AP Style, and I sometimes read Strunk & White for shits and gigs. As a kid, a homework assignment to look through a dictionary and find words I wasn't sure how to spell turned up mostly words I didn't even know the definition of. The sight of a superfluous apostrophe sends me into paroxysms of rage.

That being said, sometimes even I am uncertain about proper usage. Which is why I bring you today's Delightful Grammar Tip...

ON PLURALIZING ACRONYMS!

Everywhere I go, I see "CD's" or "PDA's" or "FU's". My first thought is, well, the compact disc's what? But I never thought to look it up. Today, I was called upon to transcribe some notes mentioning a place that donated to "PTO's". I took it upon myself once and for all to get to the bottom of this.

Naturally, I was right. To pluralize an acronym, like most things being pluralized, simply add an "s". So, when talking about laughing out loud multiple times, you would write, "The website induced a fit of LOLs." There is NO APOSTROPHE INVOLVED.

The website I link to above has this to say regarding those nasty little upside-down commas, and it's brilliant:

Apostrophes show something is missing, so we have no reason to use them to create plurals. 

Stop stickin' it where it don't belong.

Songs to Tear You Apart (via me at seventeen)

in keeping with the recent nostalgic music posts, I've assembled a little playlist. it's been gray and dreary lately, and another New England winter is nigh, which reminds me that the seasonal depression is going to come crashing in any day now. so here we have a compilation of the 10 best emo songs ever - a.k.a. the ones I used to play at full volume while driving around my hometown late at night, smoking a clove cigarette out the window of my Jetta, and probably crying just a liiiitttle bit.

"Songs to Tear You Apart"

10. New Found Glory - "Eyesore"

this was right before I started to hate NFG for going "all commercial".

"I say your name when I fall, when I hit the bottom."

9. boysetsfire - "My Life in the Knife Trade"

 

I discovered this one while driving in the car of an unrequited love interest. oh, the irony.

 

"Your comfort in my suffering is no longer disturbing." 

 

 

8. The Get Up Kids - "Don't Hate Me"

God. I had an exboyfriend who dumped me, then came running back to me. he told me he listened to this song nonstop during our time apart. the relationship lasted about two months longer, until he essentially broke up with me because I wouldn't fuck him. I was sixteen. dick.

"At the heart, the heart is you, in everything I do." 

7. Something Corporate - "Konstantine"

I discovered this one when I was legally old enough to drink, but still.

"It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it."

6. Juliana Theory - "August in Bethany"

homeboy is crying about his ex-girlfriend while sitting alone on the beach. on a FRIDAY NIGHT. weeeeeeep

"Don't go, don't go...your eyes they through my soul."

5. Alkaline Trio - "Radio"

This was one of the first songs I learned on guitar. while Alk3 certainly owns with their self-pity, they mostly get drunk and pissed off about it. these guys were my FAVORITE my senior year of high school, and would be a band I returned to later in moments of heartbreak.

"In case you haven't heard, I'm sick and tired of trying."

 

4. Alkaline Trio - "I Lied My Face Off"

one of the best "woe is me, but still, fuck you" songs out there.

"I'm bad luck, can't fuck, got no reflection today. Maybe I'll stay down next time I get hit by a train."

3. Dashboard Confessional - "The Best Deceptions"

I played this at a "coffee house" that my high school put on. it was essentially a talent show for the drama kids. I also would run up to the front and scream out the lyrics every time he did this one at a concert (I saw him thrice between 2000-2002). just like the dickheads in the audience in this recording.

"So kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that I let you."

2. "Blindfolded" - Saves The Day

as a teenager, I was unlucky in love. probably because I was such a relentless emo fuck, but then again, weren't we all? so this saga of rejection struck pretty close to home. not too long ago, my biffle and I realized that we both remember every single lyrics. we were quite drunk at the time, so naturally, we proceeded to scream each and every single word along with the recording. it was very therapeutic.

"And you'll say you don't want to be with me, no one ever does, no one ever thinks of me that way."


 

1.  Saves The Day - "Three Miles Down"

Jesus, God. hands-down, this song wins every emo award there is. this was the first song I learned to play on guitar, and you better believe I played it. endlessly.

"Why does my heart always beat before yours does?"

is there anything I've forgotten? what were your favorite sad-kid songs? share 'em in the comments. bonus points for including audio/video. extra triple bonus points for making me a mix cd!

you know you make me feel so good.

so there I was at work, stocking some yogurt, when the following tune hit my eardrums:




naturally, the first thing that came to my mind is "HOLY SHIT, THIS IS SAMPLED IN THAT MA$E SONG." for those of you who don't remember (and therefore were probably a total bummer to hang out with in the late 90's), here it is, complete with shiny fucking green suits and all:

(does puff drive mercedes? you better goddamn believe he does.)

I ran up to the counter and excitedly tried to pull my co-workers into my little world of nostalgia. "HOLY SHIT, DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT SONG THAT MA$E AND PUFFY DID?!"

naturally, they did. then one of the girls said to me, "did you know that Ma$e is a minister now?" my jaw dropped to the floor. NO. WAY. from Bad Boy to Man of God?

surely enough, after some extensive research (6th hit on my Google search) it would seem that indeed, for five years, from 1999-2004, Ma$e went down South for some q.t. with g.o.d.


but, dear friends, this seems to be old news! apparently upon his return, he released a re-entry album in 2004 (appropriately titled "Welcome Back"), he appeared at the 2005 VMA's, and even attempted a comeback THIS YEAR, inspired by Michael Jackson's death.



I feel so detached from "popular culture" right now. first, I find out that Justin Timberlake has been filming Facebook: The Movie, RIGHT AROUND THE FUCKING CORNER FROM ME, and I had no idea? and now I realize that my favorite Bad, Bad Boy is trying to revive his career and I haven't had a clue? note to self: sign up for Perez Hilton's RSS feed, immediately...

unattended children will be shot.

this makes me want to own an establishment so I can get really creative. same goes for a-holes on their cellphones, those who don't tip, and people whose face I just plain don't like. (via passive-aggressive notes)


***


unattended children will be shot.: "
as previously discussed, this hamfisted attempt at wit remains the scourge of retail establishments the world over.



as it turns out, the umpteen-million variations are even more hilariously clever!

for example, while the original version merely confuses a lot of people, this one just seems like a bizarre incentive for child abandonment.



quickly, however, things start to get very un-p.c. (and also…very creepy.)



this version, in fact, is almost as popular as the original. (other examples here and here and here and here and here and…is that a machete?)



child slavery? now that’s comedy gold. but really, why stop there? why not “unattended children will be trafficked into child prostitution”? “unattended children will be sold to pedophiles”? or anally probed? or…







hilarious, right?

related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry

"

my parachute is the color of failure.

so I recently checked out a copy of What Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers (full title included here for dramatic effect). yes, it has come to that. as it stands, I find the idea of a sudden, inexplicable death far more appealing than having to make another turkey sandwich for another self-important academic type who is pursuing three simultaneous degrees yet doesn't understand the concept of tipping.

"so stop blogging, asshole, and get on craigslist," you might be saying to yourself right now. ah, but see, I would rather be making hummus and avocado nightmares for pimply Harvard first-years than sitting at the desk of some corporate gang-bang in an itchy button-down get up, answering phones in my best fuck-me voice.

in short, I hate my current job, but far prefer it to taking yet another "this will do for now" position just to keep myself afloat. so! the time has come to do some reassessment. what are my skills? what are the skills I enjoy using the most? what would my "dream job" be? what are the steps I should take to get there? and so forth.

the first step in what will certainly be an arduous - yet ultimately rewarding! - journey is making a list. Richard Nelson Bolles (the author of the parachute thing) calls it "THAT ONE PIECE OF PAPER" (caps added for dramatic effect). it is, very simply, a list comprised of "everything you know about yourself". later, important and pertinent information will be extracted from this list. but to begin, it's simple. write what you know. about you, wonderful you.

I have been adding to this list for a few days now.

I am on number 46.

#47 - I have a tendency to procrastinate.


really, dude? I've lived with myself for 26 years, and all I can come up with are FORTY-SEVEN little tidbits, little soundbites about what makes me beautiful, unique me?

this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

ways to reconnect with my muse...

...that don’t actually involve writing.


1. hire a P.I. to find her exact whereabouts, then follow her home from work, knock her kneecaps out with a baseball bat and stuff her in my trunk

2. stare at blank Microsoft Word document for hours until eyes tear up and brain threatens to evacuate (NOT RECOMMENDED)

3. read work done by other people, realize I am a million times more talented, feel smug

4. go on psychedelic drug trip, disappear in the urban jungle for a few days, come back with a fresh spiritual perspective and sense of self-righteousness

5. have nervous breakdown and run screaming into the nuthouse; enjoy a highly medicated vacation

6. drive loved ones to nervous breakdown through excessive whining and self-pity

7. fake death, flee country (and debt)

8. strike self upon head repeatedly with classic works of literature (paperback versions only)

9. fall asleep with books on writing instruction under pillow, hope for absorption of knowledge through osmosis

10. accept the fact that maybe I’m not meant to be a writer, consider alternate methods of artistic expression (interpretive dance, experimental noise bands, suicide, etc.)